The Not-Possibles

I have always wanted to have a baby. I started babysitting when I was 13. Maybe even younger than that. I'm not sure I would have considered myself responsible but no one ever choked on my watch and I knew how to dial a phone. But I digress...

Photo snatched from aed-web.com.

Baby...I think most of the times my sadness about breaking up with an ex was really for the loss of the cute/smart(ass) kid that would no longer be. Now I cry for them all...the not-possibles. Saying, "It's very sad," is quite an understatement. Just ask my therapist.

I never realized how much I pinned on that bio-kid. See, my dad died when I was 10 years old. I loved my dad. I still miss him every day. And I didn't realize until just recently (after much crying and yelling at my husband) that I wanted a bio-kid to keep my dad "alive." I know, it's slightly irrational and I don't need to shoulder all that responsibility since I do have two older sibs (a bro and a sis). 

But, my sis never wanted to have kids and my bro hasn't had any with his wife and she's a few years older than me. Statistically, things aren't looking good for her either. But they seem to have their hands full with the 4 horse, 3 dogs, 4-5 cats, 1 pig, and a large flock of chickens.

So there you go. On top of all the disappointment and frustration...I add a nice dollop of guilt to it.