Stick a Needle in Me, I'm Done.

Wait, I think that's supposed to be "fork" not "needle." I'm not sure which would have been more pleasant.

I get faint at the sight of blood, at least I did when I was younger. So I've never been fond of needles. It's funny how adaptable we humans are under the right circumstances. Although, maybe the word to describe me was desperate...?

I didn't like taking The Pill because I didn't want to put things into my body that it didn't produce...y'know aside from yummy food. Call me a Christian Scientist but drugs have always scared me.

When I was a kid, I would always get these ear infections and the antibiotics that helped rid the infection also threw my body out of balance. It's these things that freak me out.

So when I say I was desperate, I mean it. What the hell else would get me to inject (I said inject, as in NEEDLE) hormones into me? Repeatedly!?!

Actually, it got easier over time. Desensitization again. But again my efforts were in vain. We did this three times as well, in conjunction with IUI. The doctor said I wasn't producing enough eggs for us to do an IVF using my own eggs. They like to get 10 or more eggs for an IVF. With older eggs, I mean eggs from an older woman, less of a percentage actually fertilize or fertilize "well" and you want to have some to choose from to implant.

The first time I had 5 visible follicles developing and I ovulated prematurely. They weren't at the optimum size of 16-18 micrometres. My body was confused by the amount of hormones my multiple but small eggs were producing and thought it had one big one. Sigh.

The second, I had 3 visible follicles developing. My body triggered its own ovulation again but at an ok time. When it gets to this point with infertility treatments, the doctors don't really want the woman's body to do much of anything on it's own. They want to control it. It's a little scary.

The last time, even with all the hormones, I only had 1 beautiful follicle. I used the trigger shot for that one. But alas, that didn't work either. I had to take a break after that. I just felt so desperate during the cycle and depressed when I got my period. So much hung in the balance.

But really, it's all a freaking numbers game. One of these posts I'll try to remember all those depressing statistics that drastically lowered every 6-12 months for women of advanced age. At some point, you let go or give in or something and move on to the next step, whatever that is for you.

The Perfect Donor

Photos distorted to keep donor identities anonymous.

In search of the perfect donor...when I talk to my friends and family about the whole process, I compare it to online dating.

Seriously, look at that snapshot of one of the donor websites. Pictures, age, height, ethnicity, blood type, location. When you click for more info you get: educational statistics, fill-in blanks about personality, family medical history (diabetes, cancer, mental health, and much more).

I swear, I know more about some of these women just from their profiles than I did about my husband when I married him.

It's really weird, especially since I was never really keen on online dating. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you posted.

The Not-Possibles

I have always wanted to have a baby. I started babysitting when I was 13. Maybe even younger than that. I'm not sure I would have considered myself responsible but no one ever choked on my watch and I knew how to dial a phone. But I digress...

Photo snatched from aed-web.com.

Baby...I think most of the times my sadness about breaking up with an ex was really for the loss of the cute/smart(ass) kid that would no longer be. Now I cry for them all...the not-possibles. Saying, "It's very sad," is quite an understatement. Just ask my therapist.

I never realized how much I pinned on that bio-kid. See, my dad died when I was 10 years old. I loved my dad. I still miss him every day. And I didn't realize until just recently (after much crying and yelling at my husband) that I wanted a bio-kid to keep my dad "alive." I know, it's slightly irrational and I don't need to shoulder all that responsibility since I do have two older sibs (a bro and a sis). 

But, my sis never wanted to have kids and my bro hasn't had any with his wife and she's a few years older than me. Statistically, things aren't looking good for her either. But they seem to have their hands full with the 4 horse, 3 dogs, 4-5 cats, 1 pig, and a large flock of chickens.

So there you go. On top of all the disappointment and frustration...I add a nice dollop of guilt to it.

Please Deposit Here

Y'know, all this infertility stuff is geared toward and focused on the woman and her experience. And much of the blame (or pressure) is put on her, too.

Just recently, Big D made a deposit to do an andrology panel or complete semen analysis. This is not to be confused with the normal semen analysis and "wash" that has been done with each of our IUIs (intra-uterine insemination...or the "turkey baster method" without the actual turkey baster, of course).

With an analysis for an IUI, the numbers the doctors focus on are count (40 million or more), morphology (shape), and motility (swimming ability).

A normal count is 40 million or more. I'm not sure why that number. I mean, you only need one to make a baby. Surely if you had only 20 million, one of them could work. I dunno, it sounds like an awful lot to me especially since we're relying on one egg from me.

Morphology looks at the shape of the head and tail of your man's swimmers. The head should be a smooth oval shape. The tail should be straight, uniform and slightly thinner than the midpiece which isn't talked about much at this point but is the powerhouse of the sperm (where the mitochondria live).

Motility is classed using a number system:

Snagged from umc.sunysb.edu/urology/male_infertility/SEMEN_ANALYSIS.html

We're looking for 3 or better.

The wash helps wash away some of the under 3s and the rest get a shot of fructose or glucose (I forget which) to boost their energy. Then they get syringed.

Apparently, they go the extra mile when you're planning an IVF (in vitro fertilization aka test tube babies). On top of all that, they will be testing antibodies and antigens (apparently the sperm can attack itself), pH (with the wrong pH, these guys won't last very long), some will be stained and scrutinized under a microscope while a mL of others will be washed and placed in a solution to see if they can actual swim straight and for a long enough time (to reach the ovum) before expiring.

Y'know, all that would have been good to know--if my partner's little dudes were even able to reach my egg--before doing all this rigamaroll.

I can't even begin to comprehend how un-romantic it is to m-bate (i don't want to be blog censored) into a plastic cup. But in the grand scheme of things that women have to do/endure--like having multiple people in a room with your woo-hoo propped up--it's not that much to ask.

This whole process has been so desensitizing. I'm really not sure if that is good or bad at this point.

From All-Natural to Clomid Challenge

They say if you are over the age of 35, try for 6 months then see someone. Had we known then what we know now, I would have taken a different route. 

So we tried naturally for 6 months but I didn't know anything about fertility, ovulation, cervical mucous and positioning, or basal body temp. I mean, teenagers get pregnant. How hard could it be?

Apparently, as many post-graduate folks will tell you, the degree doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting pregnant.

So, with Kaiser Permanente as our healthcare provider, I went to see my OB-Gyn. She and the nurses were very hopeful. At the time, I liked it. It's not that I think she didn't give it to me straight but none of them really told me that the odds were against me then, and more so now.

Just the fact that I was there, given my age, and that we had been trying for 6 months meant that every month counted. No one tells you that. Time, where fertility is concerned, is usually not on your side. 

The first step is always a Clomid Challenge or its generic form (clomiphene citrate). On Days 3-8 of your cycle (Day 1 being the first day of menstruation), the woman takes 50-200 mg (depending on your physician) of Clomid per day. Blood is drawn on Day 3 to measure FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and Estradiol and then on Day 10 to measure FSH again.

Chart snatched from advancedfertility.com.

These numbers are very important for any next steps you will be taking. Sadly, I did not understand their importance. You want your D3 FSH and Estradiol levels to be low and D10 FSH to also be low. Normal D3 Estradiol level is 25-75 pg/ml.

I did the Clomid Challenge three times in conjunction with an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) or what's often called artificial insemination. They always caution that there is a chance for multiples if you do this since you are stimulating your ovaries. We didn't have a problem with any of that since none of them (obviously) took.

My levels were all over the place 

D3 FSH 13, Estadiol 64 and D10 FSH 14

D3 FSH 10, Estradiol 86*  and D10 FSH 12

D3 FSH 11, Estradiol 53 and D10 FSH 15

*Note: This high Estradiol level is helping suppress FSH level; gives a lower FSH value.

My FSH was always in the "reduced egg reserve" area except when my Estradiol suppressed it. With my initial values, I should have started talking with the fertility experts after the first Challenge. But then Kaiser doesn't really openly give the referral until after three attempts. Had I known, I would have pushed for it back in 2009. But then, hindsight is 20/20.

So, ladies, if you're reading this, look closely at your values. They really tell you a lot.

4-Oh

This year I will be 40. "Over the Hill"...isn't that what they say? Sigh...

My husband (let's call him Big D) and I have been trying to have a baby for more than 2 1/2 years. The experience has been excruciating. Really. Only those who have experienced it can understand how sad, frustrating, depressing and lonely it feels.

I was working with this 40-something woman who had 5 children and was having trouble having her 6th. What can I say, she loves having kids and they own a farm. Needless to say, her fertility situation is different.

Big D and I got married just a little less than 3 years ago. Neither of us has any kids.

The irony of being disappointed at the arrival of my period every month these last couple years has not been lost on me. Sometimes I think back on my wild 20s and wonder whether I had anything to worry about. There is no way to know at this point. I am not The Doctor or one of his companions so I have no TARDIS with which to travel back in time. Sometimes I wish I did. I would have at least recommended to my younger self that I get a few fertility tests done to check hormone levels.

But then how different would my life be? Would I have settled for one of my past boyfriends just to have had that elusive bio-kid? Which one of those "toss-aways" (sorry, guys. you may refer to me as that, as well) would have been bio-dad? Or would I have been nicer to one of those "nice guys" I never gave a chance to back in the day?

A person could drive herself crazy rethinking crap like that. Not to mention, that would mean I would never have married Big D...and I really like him.